2016 pt 1

2016 left me little time to breathe. Figuratively and literally. Hands down, it’s been one of the most difficult years of my life. And I feel like it completely slipped by me.

Granny died. One day before I turned 29. Which felt like, “Yeah, that makes sense.” I didn’t ruin my birthday, I almost preferred it that way. Those two days, it’s me and her. But it gave me a grief I didn’t know before. Even when we lost the baby in 2013, my grief didn’t feel like it does now. When I finally sit down and have time to cry, it always takes my breath away. Like once I start I have a hard time stopping, reminding myself to breathe. It’s been a journey discovering how to live without someone you’ve never known life without.

I found myself unable to fulfill my dream of opening my own business. Road blocks hit me at every turn, and I was NOT happy about it. This ended up for the best-I’m working my dream job-working for two franchises and assuming very little risk, it was the best way it could have worked out for now. With everything going on, I absolutely could not have handled opening anything on my own. While it was difficult, this was a really humbling and amazing learning experience.

We moved. Into my literal dream house. But we moved away from our community. I still miss Rancho, but Redlands is starting to feel like home. I try really hard not to compare the two, because they aren’t alike, not really. The local produce in Redlands though. That alone is worth moving for.

The election. All jokes aside, I was really excited for it to be over…and then it wasn’t. Suffice it to say I’ve completely stopped listening to the practically nonpartisan radio show I LOVED and stay away from all news. I’m focused on where I am now-not cutting people off on the freeway, paying for the people behind me, telling the mom in the store that she’s doing a great job. Sprinkle kindness everywhere, friends. Life’s too short.

I recently mentioned to a friend I’m glad I’m not pregnant-I would have hit the BIG 5 life changes. Like ALL of them in one year. Naturally, I feel a lot of things. I would say it’s part of being a mom, but it isn’t. It’s part of being human.

I feel guilty. I feel bad I didn’t soak up as much of this year with the kids like I could have. Emotionally, I didn’t have the capacity. At points I was moving so fast just to keep going so I wouldn’t have to slow down and miss Granny. I feel so lucky to be where I am. To have the people in my life that are here. I feel loved. I have so many people from Rancho that check on me to see how I’m doing, to come and visit, to talk a minute. I feel…blessed isn’t the right word for now undeserving I feel to have Ben. I feel incredibly grateful and thankful to have him by my side. This year wasn’t easy for our marriage either. But he’s unshakeable. Confident when I’m not, steadfast when I’m wavering. It makes my heart so full to think he’s mine, that he’s stuck with me and I with him. This year was awful, but there wasn’t anyone else I would have wanted to do it with.

2016, you were definitely a year (that’s literally all I can think to say about it). I won’t cry to see you go.

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