two years later


Two years ago on August 23 we lost our second baby. I blog today so sweet parents going though the same thing know that eventually, the sting may go away. I miss my baby, tremendously. Frequently. But the sting that I thought would never leave, is gone.

I haven’t commented on it until now, but carrying Jameson and delivering him helped. When my family went through a personal tragedy while I was in high school, we all gathered around a verse in Joel: “I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten…you will have plenty to eat, until you are full, and you will praise the name of the Lord your God, who has worked wonders for you…” (Joel 2:25a-26). The minute I saw what I believed was a personal sign straight from Him, I believed I would have another baby. God sees me, but I hadn’t truly believed it before that moment. He knew my sorrow, he knew the desires of my heart and longed to grant them to me in His timing. And oh, how He delivered.

I gained so much after we lost Baby B. I don’t think I would have discovered FIT4MOM. I don’t think I would have the kind of community around me that made the impossible, possible once Jameson got here. Most importantly, I wouldn’t have Jameson. His little personality is the perfect compliment to our family, and it’s hard to imagine life without him.

Sometimes I feel guilty that I don’t have that ache in my heart on a daily basis. Some days I do, but not often. People ask if Ben and I are done with having kids, and right now the answer is unclear. We used to be set on 2, but I always feel like there’s one more. I explain to people that I’m not sure if that’s because of our Baby B that I know is watching over us or if we’re waiting for a 3rd to join us. Either way, I know that God sees us. I know that He hears me. And I know that He didn’t expect me to grieve forever, on the daily. I know my sweet baby love is with Him, so I don’t feel sad today. Two years later, I still carry that baby in my heart.

[i carry your heart with me(i carry it in]


i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
                                                      i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you


here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart


i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)
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