We just announced on Thursday that I’m pregnant again, and I’ve been wanting to talk about this pregnancy to anyone who would listen since the first week of January. And I’ve started this post about 4 times, deleting everything because I’m not sure what I want to say first. But I suppose I should start with the most important:
We are ecstatic.
We have been from day one. But at the same time I was so glad I started therapy the week before we decided it was time to try again. In my in-person relationships (Stroller Strides, Bible Study), I’ll get the question “What number baby is this?” or the comment, “Oh, so this makes two for you!”
Becoming a mom has been the most moving spiritual experience of my life. With every pregnancy, I feel myself changing, each new self a better version than the one before. Wiser at the very least. Having said that, I know some won’t understand. Won’t understand why it’s important to tell them about my miscarriage, to point out this pregnancy will make 3 babies for me. I’m a mama to 3, so I feel compelled to acknowledge each tiny person, but I’m still getting used to saying that. It feels foreign, strange. My therapist says being able to say this is my 3rd baby means I’m not denying my grief, not denying the loss. Let’s just say some days (the hard days), if anyone asks I say this is our second child.
By spiritual I mean I think about things I don’t normally think about. My view of heaven is clearer, I wonder about it a lot more. At Bible Study the first week, I saw one of my friends from the previous study was at my table again. I just love this lady, so full of life and wisdom. I was so grieved to hear about the loss of her adult son just after Christmas. During the course of getting to know the other ladies her loss and my loss (and new pregnancy) came up at the table. I didn’t have any trouble keeping it together until prayer. Someone prayed for her about her son, and said something about her son in heaven, rejoicing with Jesus and being free from pain. I wondered casually if maybe our sons had met yet. And then I lost it. I wondered if our sons held hands that day and peeked in on their mamas that morning. I know this sounds horrible, but I’m always comforted to hear about losses from people close to me, even if they are long past. Because I know if I know about them, so does my baby boy. That not only is he surrounded by our relatives, but he’s surrounded by friends as well. It warms my heart to know he’s not alone or uncared for.
I’m almost embarrassed to describe my first sonogram experience with this sweet little one. I was going in at what I thought was closer to 7 weeks and some days. After we lost Peanut, it was made an unspoken family rule that I not be allowed to go to any pre-natal appointments alone for any subsequent pregnancies. Ben and my mom both went to this one. The doctor came in, started my ultrasound, picture came up. We saw a heartbeat. All day I had wholeheartedly to be relieved. I wasn’t. Not even a little. Even after we heard the heartbeat, I stayed quiet. My mom sat in a chair behind the computer while Ben held my hand by my side. I must have been noticeably quiet, because she asked if I wanted her to take a video of the heartbeat/picture. I had done this with the other two pregnancies, no questions asked, camera ready. I paused. I didn’t really. The terror and disappointment that I didn’t feel relief overrode everything and all I could think about was that I didn’t want video of this if something happened. I reluctantly agreed and said Ben could take it.
I cried on the way home.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that we’re ignorant until we’re not. I always knew miscarriage could have happened with Char, but I didn’t expect it. I didn’t ruminate on it. Blissfully ignorant. I want other moms who are trying for their “rainbow babies” to know that a variety of reactions are normal, including mine.
I’m elated to tell you that the next appointment (10 weeks), was a MUCH better experience. Baby’s heartbeat is strong and sound, and even did dances for us like Char did for her 9 week ultrasound. It seems we are destined to have a family of wigglers.
Even when you’re newly pregnant, being a mama is a full-time job. I’m treasuring up every moment with Char and me because I know now that those are numbered. But man, oh man, I can’t wait for all three (four) of us to lay our eyes on sweet baby #3.